Hexagram 51 > Hexagram 8
Being held hostage my passion isn't what we really aim for.
It's a trap door that we thought was a throw rug.
And when we fall through the floor we immediately get chained in everything from addiction to unrequited crushes.
Or, alternatively, the passions that overcome us are things like fear, that keep us flooded with falling-on-our-face photos that flash through our minds like microplastics, promising us that failure is imminent.
However passion strikes you, there's a way to overcome it. Buddhists and Stoics had great ideas thousands of years ago. And because we're still un-evolved, they still work.
But of course, I have to caution: be careful what you wish for.
Some love to be on the inspection-failing roller coaster.
Some may find that seeing things for what they are beneath the facade leads to a depressing life.
For some, such as myself, there's a pleasure in de-charging the most charged up things you deal with on a daily basis.
You may not be able to completely predict your reaction to seeing all of the elements that make up the things we call pleasures, but if you're afraid that glimpsing these things will make you unravel into your own set of separate elements, perhaps refrain from taking up the mental exercises you find here.
For everyone else, potential help in achieving dispassion awaits.
For The Enjoyable Things We Want To Feel Dispassion For
1) The Nuclear Option: Uglifying The Beautified
A) Making The Body Mentally Ugly
Our imagination is a powerful tool available to us, and unfortunately, it often controls us instead of the other way around.
Whether you have an ex you want to get over for good, or you want to spark dispassion for your own impermanent body, there's some options available to you.
In a Buddhist book called 'The Path of Purification’ there's meditative exercises that direct you to use your imagination to uglify the beautified.
Here's what they teach (which is admittedly crazy to most people with no knowledge of Buddhism), along with my own spin on things mixed in:
A1) Picture The Body In A Bloated State
A2) Picture Discoloration of The Body
A3) Picture Pus, Infections, or Bleeding of The Body
A4) Picture The Body Cut Up Into Pieces
A5) Picture The Body Gnawed By Animals
A6) Picture The Body Hacked Up And Scattered
A7) Picture The Body Bleeding
A8) Picture The Body Worm or Maggot Infested
A9) Picture The Body In Its Skeletal Form
A10) Picture The Body Without Its Skin, In A State Where You Can See Its Muscle, Tendons, and Organs
A11) Picture The Body In An Extreme Aged Form, or In The Process of Aging
A12) Picture The Body Being Possessed By Your Favorite Franchise's Monsters (Say 'Alien' Chestbursters or those 'Last of Us' fungal zombies)
A13) Picture The Body With An Overgrowth of Hair, Disease, Dirt, Bodily Fluids
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B) Imagining Things In Others To Cultivate Dispassion
B1) Imagine The Other Person As Being Ungroomed
B2) Imagine The Other Being Aggressive or Insulting To You (Especially Insulting Your Most Prized Traits, Possessions, Relationships, etc.)
B3) Imagine The Other Person Causing You Pain
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Are these extreme measures? Yes, given that most humans would rather avoid contemplating such things, but it can prove to be an effective way to not be interested in someone else, or too proud of your own impermanent body.
Of course, there's a risk to all of this, too. If you're not grounded enough to use these tools wisely, your personality may go dark. You may apply it to everything without being capable of existing in your day-to-day life.
Like anything, it can become unhealthy.
One way around that is to go to the 'Web of Practice' post I wrote and learn some things about Buddhism that can ground you before moving on to something like this.
Think of these things as the nuclear option. The last resort.
But, when it comes to these imaginative tools, I'll leave you with an excerpt that you might be able to get something positive from.
From Ajahn Brahm's 'Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?: Inspiring Stories for Welcoming Life's Difficulties':
"In my first year as a monk in northeast Thailand, I was traveling in the back of a car with two other Western monks, and with Ajahn Chah, my teacher, sitting in the front passenger seat. Ajahn Chah suddenly turned around and looked at the young American novice monk sitting next to me, and then said something in Thai. The third Western monk in the car was fluent in Thai and translated for us: “Ajahn Chah says that you are thinking about your girlfriend back in L.A.”
The jaw of the American novice dropped almost to the floor. Ajahn Chah had been reading his thoughts — accurately. Ajahn Chah smiled, and his next words were translated as, “Don’t worry. We can fix that. Next time you write to her, ask her to send to you something personal, something intimately connected to her, which you can bring out whenever you miss her, to remind you of her.”
“Is that allowable for a monk?” asked the novice, surprised.
“Sure,” said Ajahn Chah, through the translator.
Perhaps monks understand romance after all.
What Ajahn Chah said next took many minutes to translate. Our translator had to stop laughing and pull himself together first. “Ajahn Chah says…” He struggled to get the words out, wiping away tears of mirth.
“Ajahn Chah says you should ask her to send you a bottle of her shit. Then whenever you miss her, you can bring out the bottle and open it!”
Well, shit is something personal. And when we express our love for our partner, don’t we say we love everything about them? The same advice would be given to a nun missing her boyfriend.
As I said, if you want the fantasy of romance, steer clear of our monastery."
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2) Feeling Dispassion For Food
An effective self-brainwashing tool for unhealthy relationships with food can be found in Allen Carr's books on 'Emotional Eating' and 'Losing Weight'.
But besides that, there's a few mental imaginings that might help you along as well:
A1) Imagining The Food Being Moldy
A2) Imagining The Food Being Infested With Worms or Maggots
A3) Physically Causing Food Dispassion
If you, for some reason, want to live as a Buddhist monastic in the non-monastic world, you can try Ajahn Chah's trick for not caring about food: Mixing all of your food into one bowl, regardless of whether it will taste good.
I haven't tried that myself, but I suspect it might make you disgusted enough with your favorite foods.
Necessary Disclaimer: Please don't let these tools fuel an unhealthy eating habit, such as bulimia or anorexia. Needless to say, if you struggle with these things, I hope that you will seek out professional assistance to reclaim a health relationship with food.
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3) The Marcus Aurelius Stripping Method For Dispassion
In 'Meditations', Aurelius writes:
"You’ll think little of the delights of song (or dance or pancratium)6 if you divide the melody up into its individual notes and ask yourself, in the case of each note, whether you’d be carried away by it7—something you’d be reluctant to admit. The same goes for dance too, if by an equivalent process you break it down into its separate movements or postures, and do the same for pancratium as well. In general, then, with the exception of virtue and virtuous action, remember to go straight to the component parts of everything;8 dividing things up like this will encourage you to think little of them. Then apply this procedure to your whole life as well."
Perhaps you're familiar with the psychological terrorism of Father John Misty, best exemplified by his song "Goodbye Mr. Blue." Aurelius' method would have you separate the bassline from the melody, the melody from the drums, the drums from the vocals, and the words chopped into parts, so that you can only hear them one at a time.
By experimenting with exercises like this, you can de-charge the emotional, seeing a lyric for what it is by adding words on one at a time, until you discover which combination of language actually produces the magic that makes us feel so strongly about our favorite songs.
Being able to see the individual parts that make up things we love can help us get a better handle on them, so that we can consciously choose whether to get carried away by them. Or if we want to experience them with some calm distance.
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4) Using Your Memory To Feel Dispassion
We can become hypnotized by mass discourse, this or that recommendation, or the tons of media out there waiting for us to listen to, or binge-watch.
But to see things a little more straight, try asking yourself a question like:
- How many articles, books, TV shows, sporting events, movies, and albums do you remember from 2016. Or 20 years ago. Or greater.
What feels so pressing because of advertising or mass conversation will prove itself as impermanent as everything else.
The important will soon become an afterthought, our memories will degrade, and new pressing products and services will present themselves, declaring that they're essential.
It can be helpful to remember that it's often a ruse.
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5) The Conspiratorial Thought Exericse
Imagine that everything you learn, and do, and have, and feel proud about is secretly already known, possessed, and mastered by everyone else on the planet. That you're simply in the process of training to know what everyone else already knows and pretends to not know.
Just dabbling in such a thought exercise can help you hinder the excessive pride we may feel about our possessions, our actions, our achievements, our senses of self.
Humility (probably) hasn't hurt anyone.
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For The Unenjoyable Things We Want To Feel Dispassion For
1) The Marcus Aurelius Zoom-Out Exercise
This will work for the good and the bad things that present themselves, but it's especially helpful to see how trivial some of our problems are.
See yourself from above, wherever you currently are, zooming out to see people on the street and in their own apartments. And like you're on Google Maps, zooming out and seeing your entire city, then the country you reside in, then the world, then outer space and other planets.
Here's a couple of quotes from 'Meditations' to give you more ideas on how to execute this exercise:
"A good point of Plato’s: Observing things on earth as if from on high is especially important for anyone who wants to discuss human life:41 herds, armies, farms, weddings, divorces, births, deaths, the bustle of the lawcourts, deserts, all the various barbarian peoples, festivals, lamentations, markets—the intermixture of everything and the orderly interaction of opposites.42"
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"Take a look from on high and what do you see? Countless herds, countless ceremonies, voyages of every kind being undertaken in storm and calm, the endless variety of people being born, living together, passing away.35 Think also of the lives lived by others in the past, the lives that will be lived after you, and the lives that are being lived today by barbarian peoples. See how many people there are who don’t even know your name, how many of them will very soon forget you, and how many of them may be praising you now but will very soon be denouncing you. Recognize that neither memory nor fame nor anything else at all has any importance.36"
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2) The Marcus Aurelius 'Parts' Exercise
This is something I've adapted from 'Meditations', perhaps not in the way he intended, but that I've still found helpful:
For whatever unfavorable thing you're dealing with:
A) What is its cause?
- What led up to this happening, or being?
B) What is this thing’s substance/matter?
- Is it flesh and bone, is it glass, is it immaterial, existing only in the air?
C) What is its purpose?
- What is this the effect of, what was the intention, what role does this serve?
D) What is its time limit?
- How long will this last, how impermanent is it, how long has it lasted in the past?
By seeing it through what composes it, it can help dial back the intensity.
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3) Define What The Negative Actually Is
The Socratic Method can help with this exercise, and Ward Farnsworth's book on the method is incredibly helpful.
But for whatever negative thing you're dealing with, what is its definition.
Sure, look in the actual dictionary, but break it down in language as best you can on your own.
For example, seeing criticism as 'being when someone has the authority and evidence necessary to improve your performance, or results', can help you take it less personally (at least it has for me).
If someone doesn't have the authority or evidence, it can make it easier for you to shrug it off.
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4) Separate The Emotional Story From The Plain Language Description of What You're Experiencing
Whether it's Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (which I personally found largely too complicated for its own good), or the work of someone like Werner Erhard, separating our interpretations from the events of our lives has long been recommended to de-charge them emotionally.
Here's how I personally go about doing it:
4A) See Everything For Its Individual Parts
When it comes to language, Fernando Flores, and Chalmers Brothers have taught the idea of "Speech Acts," where our language in the world is comprised of six things:
- Requests (which includes questions)
- Ex: 'Can you do x by this date?'
- Offers (which includes questions)
- Ex: 'Are you interested in this deal?'
- Commitments
- Ex: 'I will do x by this date'
- Declarations
- Ex: 'I am an author'
- Assessments
- Ex: 'That was good'
- Assertions
- Ex: 'He has four fingers'
By seeing our actions in the world as usually consisting as a combination of these six things, we can de-emotion the potentially emotional. Knowing that 'good and bad' are just one of the assessments that we're making.
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For actions and events that don't *only* include speech acts, it can also be helpful to see them for their generalized elements.
For example: A fight between you and your partner could possibly be described as a man and woman exchanging declarations, assessments, and assertions in a building that they share.
It sounds very stupid. You sound like an alien reporting back to another galaxy on how human relations are conducted. And that's the point. By making it sound so stupid and trivial you can step out of the overwhelming emotions and interpretations you needlessly tacked on to an event.
4B) More Tips on How To Execute The Plain Language Tool
- 1) Keep emotions, feelings, judgements, interpretations, and reading between the lines *out* of the exercise
- Ex: A fight over money where blame is being assigned from both sides becomes a discussion between a man and a woman over currency, which has arm movements and declarations that one side is the cause of the discussion due to their actions
- 2) Remember That You're Reporting on Facts Only
- Even saying voices are being raised can be subject to interpretation. What's loud for one may not be for another. What's insulting to one, isn't insulting to another. Leave assessments and assertions(and even predictions) out of the equation.
- 3) Zoom In or Out As Needed To Make Things More Depersonalized
If you need your description of events to be more generalized to the point where you can't even distinguish between types of products, or this or that gender, go for it.
Ex: A food you wanted not being available can be 'a bag of chips my friend wanted was sold out' or 'a product a human male desired was unavailable due to other humans taking them'
- 4) Describe It As If The Listener Has Been Lobotomized
Whether you describe it as if the imaginary person listening has been lobotomized, or if you're talking to five year old you, it can be helpful in making it all feel a little less visceral.
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5) Consider The Joke of Life
To take even the most grim of events less seriously, try to imagine tough moments in your life taking place on a TV set with a laughing studio audience watching your every move.
As Seneca said:
"No one becomes a laughingstock who laughs at himself. It is well known that Vatinius, a man born to be a butt for ridicule and hate, was a graceful and witty jester. He made jokes at the expense of his own feet and shriveled jowls; in this way he escaped the raillery of his enemies – chief among them Cicero – who were even more numerous than his deformities."
- Seneca, 'On the Constancy of the Wise Man' 17.2–3 via 'The Practicing Stoic'
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6) Liking The Disliked
Find three things you appreciate, admire, or like about a person you supposedly dislike.
Try the same with events, or objects, that you're not fond of.
Simply forcing ourselves to stretch in this way can make things a little better.
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7) The 'All In The Same Boat' Thought Exercise
Think of how many other people are dealing with the same thing/event/obstacle/misfortune at the same moment.
Or how many people have dealt with this thing in the entire history of human beings.
Ex: How many other people are at work right now when they'd rather be relaxing at home.
Or
Ex: How many other people are feeling anxiety at this very moment.
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8) The 'How Might The Terrible Actually Be Good' Thought Exercise
For a Stoic like Epictetus, who was extremely reverent, and praised Zeus for everything that happened, even if it was considered by some to be misfortune, this comes easy.
For you, and I, we may not find this exercise too easy. It takes some real selflessness, and if you naturally veer towards victim shaming yourself, it can be a recipe for disaster.
So, take that disclaimer into consideration.
But as far as how to execute this:
- A) How is this supposed bad thing a good thing?
- B) Who would this be a good thing for? (Not having a certain food could be good for someone that's feeling bloated or is struggling with binge eating)
- C) Who was or could be benefitted by my misfortune?
Here's a quote about this style of thinking:
"This then we should practice and work on first of all – like the man who threw a stone at his dog but missed and hit his stepmother. “Not so bad!” he said. For it is possible to change what we get out of things that do not go as we wish. Diogenes was driven into exile: “Not so bad!” – for it was after his banishment that he took up philosophy."
- Plutarch, On Tranquility of Mind 6 (467c) via 'The Practicing Stoic'
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9) Seeing What Makes Up Your Least Favorite Memories
Like the Marcus Aurelius exercise described earlier that broke down song and dance into its dispassionate parts, you can do the same for memories.
What are all of the elements that made up that unwanted event:
Ex:
- Speech acts (as described above)
- Emotions
- Facial expressions
- Voice
- Volume
- Tone
- Clothing
- Skin, bones, etc.
- Eyes/eye contact
- Motives/intentions
By seeing each element, one-by-one, you might be able to see the memory in a more neutral way. But for severe trauma, please consult a professional.
Final Thoughts
Much of what was covered here would fit into the Resilience section of my PRPS Process.
By de-charging the most charged events, thoughts, and people in our lives, we can get back to the present moment, where fulfilling our purpose lives.
'You ruined ____ for me' is the point with these exercises.
By taking out the theatrics we can deal with our day-to-day soberly, instead of letting the world Steve Aoki us from its stage with more of that good old dukkha (struggle) vodka.
Good luck.