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Social media is littered with Zen koan-like anecdotes about what someone's therapist said to them.
But there's also people that say things like "My biggest problem with therapy is that it doesn't help me get what I WANT. My relationships, my career, my family, housing are all disappointing to me."
So, which is it? It's both.
Therapy obviously has value, which I can attest to after spending over ten years in therapy.
But it's not for everyone, in every form, in every moment. Let's talk about why therapy doesn't work, the times it actually does, and what might help when it doesn't seem to anymore.
All of The Ways That Therapy Doesn't Work
1) It Has Inherent Limitations
Unlike life coaching, there can be very strict laws that a therapist must adhere to.
While it can be helpful when it prevents some random authority figure from recommending a risky Ayahuasca retreat, I'm sure that it also limits the kinds of solutions your therapist offers for your problems.
Sometimes those unspoken solutions likely could have been exactly what you needed to get over the mountain.
2) It's Hard To Find The Right Fit
Therapist quality varies greatly, especially in a world where many are trying to simultaneously be social media influencers to fuel their business.
You may not find the right therapist in your first attempt, and to many, that can be demoralizing and make you feel pretty helpless.
It doesn't help that insurance and limited funds can impact how many attempts you can make to find the right fit for your particular needs.
3) It Can Cost Too Much
For some, therapy isn't an option, because the result of a monthly payment would mean less food, or potentially no rent money.
4) Time And Scheduling Restrictions
It's not unusual to find it difficult to locate a therapist that operates outside of your working hours. And with less options available, it may be harder to find the right fit, as I mentioned above.
5) Over-Reliance On Psychiatry And Medication
When psychiatrists are involved it often becomes a 'throw medication at the wall and see what sticks' kind of situation.
While not all therapists work with psychiatrists, or have the ability to prescribe medication themselves, it's something to keep in mind. Especially when alternatives haven't been exhausted first.
6) Misdiagnosis
Getting the wrong diagnosis is not uncommon, because really, so many are approximations dictated by a reference book.
And unfortunately, sometimes getting a less-than-desirable diagnosis can work some placebo-like magic to get you stuck in a 'this is just the way I am' mindset.
The antidote is to recognize how malleable we really are, and take some responsibility in deciding who it is you want to be in this world, not who you're limited to be because of a potentially half-true (or less) label.
7) There's Limits To How Effective Spilling Your Guts Is
It can be helpful to vent, especially in the early days of therapy, but there comes a point when all of that venting creates a sort of toxic air quality that you find yourself living in.
The best therapists can ask the right question at the right time to shift your thinking. They may not be able to do that in every session, but they'll likely get you some key paradigm shifts throughout the course of a year.
If you're not reframing some of that venting, you're leaving a lot of growth on the table.
When Therapy Does Work (And When You Should Still Seek it Out)
If you haven't gotten over, or continue to have the same internal conversations about trauma in the past, therapy could still be a good choice for you.
While you may not get the right therapist from the beginning, it could also be that you two just need to warm up to each other.
When you're just beginning therapy, there's likely going to be an investment period where you lay out your biggest unresolved issues. This will take time, and it might be in your best interest to not hit the escape button just yet.
You didn't fall into your current set of problems in one day, so it'll take more than one day to unwind the knotty problems that you're struggling with.
Lastly, if you want real results from your therapy, try to be vocal about what you need help with and what works for you. If you need advice instead of just a place to vent, ask for it. Ask them what they would do if it was happening to them, what has worked for other clients of theirs, and maybe even ask them for reading material or book recommendations.
If you're not taking an active role in your therapeutic process, your results will be limited, regardless of who you're working with.
Things That Work That Aren't Therapy
1) Changing How You See The World Instead of Trying To Add Qualities To Yourself
Our culture is full of supposed quick-fixes, and tips and tricks to accomplish x or y.
But you don't learn how to shoot a basketball by simply reading about it.
Changing how you see the world will naturally change your actions in it.
2) Using Your Awareness To Change Your Life
My favorite quote on this site belongs to W. Timothy Gallwey: "Awareness is curative."
By making ourselves see something, and be aware of it, we can then change our actions with it.
Sometimes, simply being aware of something gets us closer to the results we want, as I discuss in my Awareness Sigil post.
3) Sleep
It's amazing how many problems can slip away by simply getting enough sleep. I'd recommend the book 'The Ciracdian Code' for more information on how to greatly improve your sleep.
4) Nutrition
If you're not eating vegetables every day yet, please try it.
5) Exercise
Ask yourself 'what would need to be true for exercise to be fun'?
And then do those things.
Getting yourself a habit, any habit, of exercise will begin chipping away at many problems for you.
6) Sigil Magic
When I have a stubborn problem, I do some sigil magic about it.
Sometimes, days, weeks, months, or even years pass, and I find that the problem did get solved.
For the times sigil magic doesn't 'work' in the intended way, I find it works in the present moment to off-load my worries on to a piece of paper.
Either way, it's a win.
Final Thoughts
To circle back to our friend on Reddit that I quoted in the intro:
A therapist can't solve all of our problems.
Sometimes people are looking for a life coach in their therapist, and social media is blurring the lines between both.
I believe it's important to remember that we have agency. We have power to change our lives if we remember that these supposed saviors are simply people with a different shade of expertise and life experience.
We can learn from anyone, but we should always remember that you're not going to find certainty from another person.
We're all living in an unsure world, but the problem is, some of us have forgotten that we're capable of navigating it ourselves, and being resilient when life knocks us on our ass.
Good luck, and I hope what you've read here starts to nudge you towards remembering your own resilience.