I still remember the effects of my first antidepressant dose.
I took a Zoloft in the last days of my high school career, and in the late Spring morning mist on the westside of Binghamton, NY, I thought 'this is how life actually feels'?
It was the breakthrough I needed at that very moment.
But as time went on, depression and anxiety crept back in.
More medications were added to my rotation.
Years went by, and more solutions were needed to counter new instances of suffering.
Diet changes, exercise, meditation, magic, I tried it all.
While they all helped some, it wasn't until I ran into the Dhamma for the second time in my life that I could make sense of existence, and all the shit that sucked about it.
I realized there had to be dissatisfaction because everything was impermanent.
It wasn't that the 'solutions' were wrong, it was that being born into this world puts us in a neverending Wile E. Coyote vs. Roadrunner matchup.
And we're both characters.
While that's the truth, there's some things that help deal with this recurring problem.
In what follows, I try to document what I've learned about this inherent suffering, and the things I've found to actually be effective in countering that in a more consistent way.
While they're never going to be a permanent fix (because nothing will be), I hope that they give you a little more power in a world that will gladly take as much of it from you as you allow it to.
So, take what works here, and leave what doesn't. And maybe you'll end up feeling a little more empowered in the end.
The Basic Truths About Existence
The first of these is the Buddhadhamma:
Everything is impermanent
There's no permanent self, even when we try to make permanent stories about the self (by doing this you'll regularly hit your head against the wall of reality showing you that you can't be something permanent)
This impermanence results in dissatisfaction (or impermanent satisfaction)
The Six Basic Truths About Being Humans (Especially In Modern Society)
1) We really really care about making ourselves look good. And it really hurts when we look bad.
2) Embarrassment is an occasional necessity if you’re breathing air.
3) Hurting and being hurt is the contract we sign (unknowingly or not) when we relate to others
4) We're afraid of each other and outside things and circumstances, to varying degrees (and others are afraid of us)
5) You'll never feel completely satisfied, you'll never be completely successful, you'll never feel completely fufilled. The finish line will always look two feet too far in front of you.
6) Problems are the price we have to pay to have the privilege of life. Our solutions and successes create new problems. Because of this, we should choose larger problems instead of being stuck battling it out with middling ones.
The Things You Can Do To Avoid (Or Minimize) Suffering
A Brief Mention of Ethics (That You Can Take, Or Leave)
By avoiding
- Lying
- Killing
- Stealing
- Harsh internal speech
- Harsh external speech
You might feel a little less shitty. But hey, results may vary.
Do-To-Get = Due To Get Suffering
When the desire for a result slips into your actions, it starts to corrupt them a bit. And it leaks into your emotions.
By trying to get something, we get a bit unsettled, either through anxiety, ambition, confidence, or uncertainty.
Of course, we can't just sit there and not do anything, but we're talking about intention here.
And if you've got to do things (if they're part of your job duties), do them, but try to avoid doing them with a desire to get a result.
Sometimes our employers require certain results, but I'm sure you can tell me as much as I can tell you, that when that happens, the mind gets unsettled.
Fear starts to creep in.
It's a moving target to an extent, something you'll constantly readjust to, but keeping "I need to get ____ as a result of this" from your mind is how you're going to sidestep suffering.
Doing something without a for or because is probably as close as we can get to the "Middle Way."
All of this may sound like someone telling you to dunk a basketball by simultaneously jumping and standing still, but sometimes there's simple, but important things in life that feel contradictory. This is one of them.
How can you execute this?
- 1) Focus on execution instead of outcome
- If you’re doing something like drafting an important email as part of your job, spend more of your effort on the creation instead of the daydreaming about the results.
- Break the process/your work down into its building blocks. The elements that comprise the whole, and then address each, one step at a time.
- 2) Choose The Challenge
- For whatever the challenge is, choose the idea of it. Choose your present circumstances. And then be with it as you execute.
- 3) Choose A Sigil For The Work, And Then Be It
- See the ‘Being A Sigil’ piece linked above, but by choosing a sigil and living it out, you can be the means for those potential results without actively, and overtly trying to get there.
- Plus it can just make the whole process more fun (as well as empowering).
Don't Try To Make Everything A Solution, Or Always Try To Find A 'Solution'
Sometimes the solution is just being with something. And learning to just 'be' with something can be the most liberating skill you learn.
This is another piece of advice that might sound impossible, but it can be done.
Don't Let The Stories Take Away Your Power
We do things and experience things, but then we fuck it all up by telling ourselves a story about it, and getting the 'actually happened' mixed up with the narrative.
You can have your story, and you can you have your reality, but twisting the two together is how you're going to let delusion bleed into the objective play-by-play.
And when that happens, we cling to ideas of what was going on that do us as much good as wrapping our fingers around the shiny side of a machete.
It's also important to remember that: Making things mean things makes suffering.
When a meaning we make up gets threatened, we feel threatened.
When a meaning we made up gets proven incorrect, we feel bad.
So, it's OK to tell yourself a story, but when you're telling it for a purpose, it can end up backfiring on you.
But by living in the what happened, we have a lot more options, and a lot more power.
When we live in a story, we're dealing with a beginning, middle, and end in events that feel restrictive.
Try it out and see how it feels to do both.
Be Present
Be present, but don't make the idea of being present into your personal Jesus.
It's recommended to be mindful of each bite of food, but without also realizing that the food is impermanent, I'd argue that you might be doing a disservice to yourself.
That isn't to take anything away from the benefits of being present.
The present is the only place we really exist. It's where we can change things.
This is where a meditation practice can help.
The simplest explanation of how to meditate is watch how your body breathes, how the air passes from the nose, to the chest, to the stomach, and back, and just keep returning to it.
But if you need deeper instructions, 'Mindfulness In Plain English' and 'Mindfulness, Bliss, And Beyond' are both good books.
Additionally, using "not sure" or "maybe - maybe not" as a mantra to pull yourself back into the present is something I've used to some success.
Choose What You've Got, And Accept Who You Are
My last suggestion on how to stop suffering is to choose what you've got (yes, even that), and accept who you are.
By accepting the person you are, right now, for all of your flaws *and* your positive traits, you can better disentangle yourself from their influence, and give yourself a bit more to exist in new ways.
And by choosing the circumstances, conditions, relationships, and possessions that you do have, *right now*, you give yourself the ability to access more power, and peace.
Why? Because if you don't choose what you've got, it'll feel forced upon you.
The alternative, of course, is that you think '*this* isn't good enough', and find yourself perpetually dissatisfied with your life.
Choosing all of that also gives you the ability to do something different. To be something different.
And when you *be* something different, it can result in a new set of circumstances that you might actually enjoy more.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes the simplest advice is the most effective.
I'd argue that everything above is pretty simple, but at first, it may not be easy.
The hardest part about it might be the whole 'not trying' thing.
We were raised to 'try our hardest', but look where that got us.
Instead of trying, just be, as best as you can with each of these ideas, and accept the 'you' that results.
And remember that there's magic available to be a better version of yourself when you want to do that as well.